Book notes, on the ideas that were helpful for me to think about from this book: Breaking the Patterns of Depression https://a.co/d/fU3Hu9H –
I’m not a therapist, I’m not saying this is a treatment for any condition, some of it is language from the book.
Breaking patterns of depression
Makes victims miserable
Makes you feel like anything you do won’t bring back joy
Depression can be treated very quickly when you do the work and it can always come back again
Doubts, despairs, regrets
Waking up and first thoughts are negative like “I’m tired…”, always another obstacle of some sort.
Thoughts like “Why is my life always a struggle?” “Am I always negative?” Every negative thought brings you down more, “I hope I die” is intense depression/hopelessness like a 9/10 (each negative thought should be countered with an accurate thought with a positive spin)
Depression is a sign that something is wrong
Believing your negative inner dialogue/self talk is harmful , depression is the consequence (b/c negative self talk is hopelessness thinking/talk)
Depression is not a disease, medication companies push that it is.
Depression does not have a single cause with a single treatment, There are many tools to try
Deliberate effort has to be made to change thinking pattern so hopefulness can take the place of hopelessness
It takes work to build hope, a plan.
Depressed people are often missing specific skills, thinking clearly, relating positively to others, gathering and weighing important information, client doesn’t recognize they are missing these skills because you don’t know what you don’t know.
If you see other people doing the things you want to do, then that is evidence it’s possible for you.
Learn by doing
A Book is not a substitute for personal therapy
A good therapist can expand on the points made in this book
Hopelessness is a viewpoint, not a fact.
Medication can provide relief but can’t magically change a personality
Up until the 1960s, people believed you were weak if depressed , a moral flaw, self pity.
What is depression?
What causes it?
There are many right ways to treat depression
Psychologist
Psychiatrist
Behavior Therapist
Etc
Each view depression a bit differently
Hurtful set of projections about your experiences is depression,
(Chapter 1: 30 minutes into the audio book)
Strive to effect people positively
Your Family is responsible for your prevention of life experiences
(49 minutes)
Unrealistic expectations like
“My partner should meet my needs” which provides little motivation to meet the others needs. (What can be done is sharing how you feel/inner world, Which requires self awareness)
Society/culture pushes standards that may not make sense for you
Culture just means influential people for you, parents, teachers, scientists…
People only teach you what they know, not what they don’t know.
If you were taught your achievements were everything then you’d have hard time enjoying relaxation
The best way to have friends is to be one
Lack of experience isn’t lack of intelligence
Negative views have to be challenged constantly and practicing new skills
Focus on learnable skills
Relaxation training is a skill
Relationship skills are very important (chatgpt can explain this clearly)
Learn and Understand your personal psychology
Everyone is different so everyone’s depression is different
You can recover from depression but not cure it
The goal is for your depression episodes to happen less often and not last as long when they do happen
How do your feelings influence your expectations from this book?
(Chapter 2)
I don’t believe depression is recurring, I believe life is recurring which comes along with new types of rejection and hurt that trigger depression
Good happens.
Prevention is probably possible more often than you realize.
There is no single cause of depression so there is no single solution.
It effects all age groups and societies.
Depression is more of a disorder.
It takes a lot of effort to try anything.
Only 25% of depressed individuals will seek help with a mental health professional.
Problem with treatment guidelines, some clinicians will use the guidelines to do their thinking for them. There is no substitute for critical thinking and good judgment.
Psychotherapy is as much an art as science, so experience and talent help
Symptom reduction is a goal,
Most effective psychotherapy for mild-moderate depression is CBT (like increasing self talk on gratefulness (like “i’m grateful for the food/shelter that I have, or simply thinking “I’m grateful”, noticing the blessings in life and they are increasing) and thinking about what you enjoy throughout the day), challenging negative/hopeless thoughts with hopefulness/positive thoughts
Why is cbt so effective for depression compared to other psychotherapies?
Changing how you think will change what you think
How you behave and how you relate to others like setting boundaries impacts what you think
You can have a bad event happen and not get depressed
When you try again, try something different
Good motivation doesn’t make up for poor strategy
S.A.D. – winter depression, doing extra activities by a special fluorescent light can cure this
Feeling in control reduces depression, mistaken sense of control can make depression more severe,
Thinking about past hurts, cause hurt in the present
Suicidal individuals feel their past pain is what’s in store for them in the future
Why do some give up control easily?
Why do some never let go of control?
Focusing on the past is like trying to drive a car forward while looking backward, dont let the past cloud your future.
Some have Low ability to compartmentalize – they can’t tolerate a failure without feeling like a failure
You are more than your feelings , sometimes you need to get in touch with feelings, and sometimes out of touch – like if getting audited by IRS, get out of touch.
Being a victim or trying to control the uncontrollable are reliable paths to feeling depressed
Focusing on past hurts, diminishes possibilities of focusing on a positive future
Chapter 5
Expectancy
Clear and realistic expectations about the future is everything
You can’t recover unless you address your beliefs and expectations
Negative expectancy will prevent you from growing/changing
- You may remember there was a bad earthquake in southern California in the 90’s. Some bounced back, some left town, some got depressed
It was all about having a positive or negative expectations about the future. No one can guarantee an earthquake like that won’t happen again.
Life without vision –
Mental health community preoccupation on childhood experiences as a focus of therapy has been damaging , it made people underestimate the future
People should learn to be future oriented , it’s an ability you can slowly learning by practicing to plan ahead , set goals
You have to learn to be future oriented in many areas, not just one, like career planning
You need to create compelling vision of your future
Suicide – believing the future is just full pain , severe hopelessness, future holds no positive possibilities (not realizing how to behave/think differently, like how to be vulnerable or make boundaries, not knowing what belief in god means, etc)
Suicide, the permanent solution to a temporary problem
A way to end present suffering
It’s always possible to think beyond pain in the present, it can require a skilled therapist
What do you want from your future?
Lifestyle imbalances can lead to depression
People who have strong connection to something greater themselves prevents depression
Having a mission helps prevent depression
Not all depression is preventable
Avoiding action is a choice, not making a choice is a choice, things are never just the way they are, you can always change your response to a circumstance
Good boundaries means not settling for mediocrity
Setting limits makes you feel worthy
Learn the boundaries and strengths of all your parts (learn about IFS)
Your job is to train people how to treat you, ignoring what hurts you plants seeds of depression
Yelling is an intimidation tactic, when you set limits/boundaries then you will learn a lot about the other person and if you need to walk away from that relationship
What it takes to take care of yourself/protect your self
I am not the same now as then
Its normal for people to push our boundaries and our job to maintain them
Relationship patterns, chapter 11:
Low frustration tolerance – throw away society – harder to develop personal security, it’s important to protect your partners sense of security, like don’t storm away from a disagreement, depart in a respectful way
When my needs are not met, I become frustrated and urgency amplifies to get them satisfied, so mr right gets sacrificed for mr right now
Men tend to focus more on… then relationships
Expecting someone to meet my needs in a relationship is necessary
If expectations are not realistic/unreasonable, they are based on what I want and not what they can offer, then you will have lots of disappointment/anger
Learn skills to make accurate interpretations
You must have some expectations in relationships,
It’s not realistic to have all your needs met in 1 relationship, decide with your partner what needs can be met in the relationship and which will have to be met elsewhere
Self awareness of personal needs, recognize your own needs and accept them as basic and valid like honesty, adventure, security, love, passion, monogamy, fun, values,
When something I value is devalued/ignored then relationship will take a negative turn
In dating, learn as much as you can before becoming too emotionally attached
Shared responsibility and sensitivity of the others needs
Learn by doing: write my user manual, learn who I am and what I require so I can transmit this to others
How much communication, fun, entertainment, intellectual stimulation do I need?
Tendency to protect others from my depression, is not helpful, it prevents closeness , it prevents getting other perspectives, getting more viewpoints can help reduce depression
Getting useful feedback that can challenge my thinking
Assuming a victim role is another method to deny my needs
My job to assert my needs, preferences,
Assessing others:
How do I know if I can trust/rely on another
Trusting gut feeling, is responding to you and not the other person, you will miss external information, getting absorbed in own viewpoints will not be helpful
If absorbed with/thinking things like “am i okay” “do I look okay” then i’m not focusing on the other person
Best position to take when meeting a new person is to assess them and not yourself
We often see others as we’d like them to be instead of who they are:
We dont want to interrogate people but we should be observant
Learn by doing:
To help read people so we know what we can expect from them
What traits should we judge them on?
Write down people I met recently: what is my judgment on them?
What did they say or do as the evidence for my judgment
example:
John Smith:
Nice guy b/c he helped me change my tire, expressed concern for my safety,
I dont know anything about his values
Best to understand our difference and accept them so we can be stronger together
Does this person take responsibility for themselves?
If you ask someone why they got divorced and it’s all about blame on their ex-partner, get away, teaching a non-responsible person to be responsible takes a lot of work
Does this person deny or run away from problems or face them?
Can you express all your feelings, viewpoints, thoughts? Some people don’t have depth and awareness
Assuming everyone has deep thoughts isn’t true, look for evidence that the person has depth.
Other people are not necessarily like you
If someone says “im a sensitive individual” that is just their self perspective, look at what they actually do (how do they behave when angry/upset)
How skillfully does someone respond to the demands in their life? Do they treat you the same consistently?
Building a healthy relationship: It doesn’t magically happen, it takes purpose, establishing healthy patterns of relating
Whom do you want to attract into your life and why?
Establishing a relationship on a negative basis isn’t a good idea like finding someone you can complain to
Best to build a relationship on the basis of fun, etc
I valuer the ability to solve problems well, fun should be a priority, deep exploration of serious issues can be draining if that is main focus, dare to be silly sometimes, life is not meant to be a burden
Learn by doing:
Learn the value of leisure, do things to feel good, what do I do to play, make list of 20 things I do for relax/fun
Which do i prefer on my own and which with others, which are free and which cost money, how often have I done each of these 20 things
Build lots of play into life,
Activities that require planning, some that are spontaneous
Self disclosure is an art, revealing myself to another
In business relationship, you don’t share personal
If casual friendship then keep intimate details out of it
Relationship will collapse if too much is introduced to soon
Go easy and slow down, learn about the others ability, gradually add depth to a relationship
Close relationship with someone that can appreciate and accept who i am
Do I get negative judgment as I disclose who I am?
Don’t expect other people to protect you, you need to define your limits and enforce them, `i have to decide how much to give up of my self
If I back down and give in then i won’t feel good about myself
Set clear limits and enforce them, consistent with my needs
Learn to tolerate negative feedback
`learn by doing #73
How to manipulate others: understand your influence on other people
What are the tactics I use to get what I want from other people, ask people closest to me on how I treat them and what I do to get something from them? It will help move relationship to higher level of integrity
Manipulation nevers get eliminated from relationships, even when there is lots of respect/honesty
Respecting another individual means letting them choose for themselves
If too much self esteem relies on a relationship then i’m giving too much to what isn’t in my control
Healthy relationships don’t just happen, they require skills, like setting clear boundaries, clear expectations, assertiveness, assessing others realistically, sharing control, realistic about responsibility, problem solving capabilities, consistency, build up your skills
Spending lots of time on entertainment like TV, takes away from building relationships
Can someone live up to my expectations?
It’s my responsibilities to educate people on how to relate to me so they have the knowledge that they can make good use of
A nice person isn’t necessarily the right partner
Like attracts like (we are attracted to people with same emotional maturity, someone with same level of being vulnerable)
Don’t share sensitive information until you have an idea on how they might respond
If it breathes then you must set limits
People use manipulation like guilt and intimidation to get what they want
Relationships are just one part of your life, you can’t control others or how they choose to relate to us
Depression can vary so much from person to person, it’s not a single disorder
A skilled psychotherapist can provide lots of great guidance/help
The mental health community knows a lot about treating depression, success rate is very high when going to a skilled professional
From a different book – “forgiveness begins with forgiving oneself (former self) for the feelings you had… and then you can work on forgiving others for the feelings they had “
Reading the book is more helpful then notes from the book + the author has other great books.
For a list of more of my psychology based book recommendations, check out https://nextself.ai/about/