Not because he was mean. Not because he held a grudge. But because they never asked him themselves.
After Jacob (Israel) passed away, the brothers got scared. They did not go talk to Joseph. Instead, they sent messengers.
And the messengers said: “Your father said before he died, Please forgive now your brothers’ crime and their sin, that they dealt you evil…”
The Rabbis explain something important on this chapter of the Hebrew Bible: Jacob never said this. The brothers had the messengers say it
to give themselves felt peace.
That tells us something. They were still afraid of Yosef. They still didn’t trust him enough to speak face to face.
So instead of coming themselves and saying: “We hurt you. We sold you. We did something very wrong.” They had someone else say it for them. That’s not saying sorry. That’s hiding.
This is actually a sign of perfectionism.
Perfectionism says: “If I admit I did something wrong, I will be seen as bad forever.” So instead of owning the harm, a person uses:
• messengers
• authority
• nice words
• religion
Anything except direct truth.
When Joseph hears the messengers, he cries. Not because he is angry. But because he sees they are still trapped in fear and image-protecting.
Later, the brothers finally come in person. But even then they say: “We are your servants.” They still don’t say what they did. They still don’t explain the pain they caused. They make themselves unimportant instead of being honest.
Joseph answers very carefully.
He says: “Don’t be afraid. For am I in the place of G-d?”
He means: “I’m not here to punish you. I won’t play God with your shame”
Then he says: “You meant harm, but G-d turned it into good.”
These are meaning words, not forgiveness words.
Jewish law teaches something important. If someone asks for forgiveness honestly, face to face, owning what they did, and they do this three times, then the responsibility for repair begins to shift to the one hurt. At that point, the hurt person may need to explain the pain better so the apology can become deeper.
But that rule only starts after 3 apologies happen.
Here, they didn’t even do it once. That may be why Joseph forgave them in his actions, but didn’t say the words.
What he gave instead was:
Safety.
Care.
No revenge.
Perfectionism avoids apologies.
Forgiveness answers honesty.
And peace can’t be built by skipping the truth.
Forgiveness means realizing G-d is in control. It frees you from revenge. Repair still needs honesty.
You can forgive and still feel sad that repair isn’t happening. The world to come is the era of eternal peace and life (right now, only the Turritopsis dohrnii jelly fish has the ability to live for ever).
That doesn’t mean everyone agrees. It means everyone learns how to stop hiding, stop protecting an image, and say: “I was wrong.”
Peace can’t exist where perfectionism still runs the relationship.
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