Why did Avraham tell Sarah to say she was his sister?

Rabbi YY Jacobson has a class explaining a deeper meaning. As they got closer to Egypt, the environment was affecting Avraham's inner world. His words can be understood as: "I cannot be emotionally available to you as a husband right now, but I can still be loyal, caring, and supportive, like a brother." Such honest self-awareness is an emotional skill.

Why am I emotionally unavailable to my spouse?

Your environment, stress, or survival mode can affect how emotionally available you are. Survival mode helps protect you from danger, but can make parts of your personality less available. You might become angry or defensive, escape into work, shut down, or please your spouse so much that you stop expressing your feelings. Emotional skills start with noticing these patterns.

Emotionally Unavailable for Years: Can You Still Be Loyal?

Q: Can you be emotionally unavailable for years and still be loyal?

Yes. Someone may still show kindness, care, and loyalty while struggling to feel emotionally connected. For some people this can become a pattern that continues for years. It does not always mean they have stopped caring, and it does not mean you have to become disloyal. The emotional skill is awareness: survival mode may still be at work.

Q: What should you tell your spouse if you feel emotionally unavailable?

Tell your spouse what is happening, and help them understand that your difficulty expressing love does not necessarily mean you've stopped caring. Show loyalty through honesty, kindness, support, and keeping your promises. The emotional skill is responsibility: you cannot always choose how available you feel, but you can choose how you treat your spouse.

Comments Are Possible

You can struggle to be emotionally unavailable for years and still be loyal to your spouse.
In Parshas Lech Lecha, Avraham tells his wife Sarah, "Please say that you are my sister." (Genesis 12:13)
Rabbi YY Jacobson has a class explaining a deeper meaning behind this story and what it can teach us about marriage.

What deeper meaning is in Avraham's words to Sarah?

As Avraham and Sarah got closer to Egypt, the environment was already affecting Avraham's inner world. It was becoming harder for him to feel emotionally available to Sarah as a husband.

We can understand his words as expressing something like this:
"I cannot be emotionally available to you as a husband right now, but I can still be loyal, caring, and supportive, like a brother."
This teaches us something important about relationships.

How does survival mode affect emotional availability?

Sometimes your environment, stress, or survival mode can affect how emotionally available you are to your spouse.
Survival mode is part of how human beings were created. It helps protect us from danger, but it can also make parts of our personality less emotionally available.
When survival mode takes over, fight (which often shows up as narcissism), flight (which is avoidance), freeze (which looks like inaction or shutdown), or fawn [people pleasing] can replace emotional availability.

You might become angry or defensive (fight), escape into work, distractions, or overeating (flight), shut down emotionally, "what's the point of trying," (freeze), or focus so much on pleasing your spouse that you stop expressing your own feelings (fawn).
These patterns can make it difficult to express affection, enjoy intimacy, or feel emotionally connected.
For some people, emotional unavailability is not just something that lasts a few hours or days. It can become a pattern that continues for years.

Does emotional unavailability mean you stopped caring?

Someone may still show kindness, care, and loyalty while struggling to feel emotionally connected in other ways.
This does not always mean they have stopped caring. Parts of their personality may still be affected by survival mode, even when there is no immediate danger.
Being emotionally unavailable does not mean you have to become disloyal.

How can you stay loyal while emotionally unavailable?

If you notice that you're becoming emotionally unavailable, tell your spouse what's happening.
Help them understand that your difficulty expressing love does not necessarily mean you've stopped caring about them.
You can still show loyalty through honesty, kindness, support, and keeping your promises, even while working toward deeper intimacy.

What if emotional unavailability lasts for years?

And when emotional unavailability lasts for years, being honest becomes even more important. Your spouse deserves to understand what you're experiencing and whether you're willing to work toward a deeper relationship.
But if someone no longer wants to be loyal to their spouse, that's a different problem.
Instead of pretending to be committed while secretly giving up on the marriage, they should be honest about what's happening and whether they still want to stay married. Sometimes divorce may be the better choice.

You cannot always choose how emotionally available you feel, but you can choose how you treat the person you're in a relationship with.
Being honest about your feelings can help protect trust, even during long periods when emotional intimacy is difficult.
Human beings are not as great as the Creator. We may reach a point where we cannot continue a relationship, but His loyalty to humanity does not depend on our loyalty to Him. Even when we turn away, He continues giving us existence and the opportunity to return to Him.

___________________

“Your nervous system can be focused on survival when your relationship needs intimacy.”

Explore the NextSelf Blog. Start with this post explaining the world of souls, and what does it mean to be light? And my Youtube. Content is published to this facebook first and a few days later, to the blog.

The blog lists all the difference patterns to study, understanding patterns is how one can develop 'Daas' [felt knowing].
Content does not provide medical services or professional counseling, and it is not a substitute for professional medical care.