Often, it is about healing the patterns that stop you from showing up.
The adaptive nervous system learns patterns to help you survive difficult experiences, beginning in childhood.
Fight says:
“I need to protect myself.”
Flight says:
“I need to get away from this, I’ll become busy with eating or work.”
Freeze says:
“I don’t know what to do, I don’t have words for feelings.”
Fawn (people-pleasing) says:
“I need to keep everyone happy.”
These are survival patterns.
The problem is that many people build relationships through these patterns.
The survival patterns begin guiding the personality more than relationship patterns.
1. Protection becomes easier than vulnerability.
2. Avoidance becomes easier than communication.
3. People-pleasing becomes easier than honesty.
4. Withdrawal becomes easier than staying present.
Intimacy requires a different set of patterns.
1. Trust.
2. Open communication.
3. Responsibility.
4. Vulnerability.
The ability to stay connected when emotions become uncomfortable.
Many people want deeper relationships.
But their adaptive nervous system is still trying to keep them safe from experiences that are no longer happening.
The more awareness you have of your nervous system patterns, the more freedom you have to choose connection instead of protection.
Awareness requires a lot of education so you can get better at practicing compassion, boundaries and self-forgiveness.
“Most people do not bring their whole personality into relationship. They bring their survival patterns.”
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These related guides were recently updated:
The only Healthy spiritual beliefs for the nervous system: https://nextself.ai/spirituality/beliefs-are-not-only-an-idea/
Psychology of prayer explained: https://nextself.ai/spirituality/emotional-numbness-is-often-not-emptiness/
Why is suffering built into creation? https://nextself.ai/spirituality/infinite-creator-wants-creation/
How to relate to the Creator in a healthy way: https://nextself.ai/spirituality/the-word-god-is-a-descriptive-name/
