Intimacy requires being able to hold complex feelings.
What does holding complex feelings look like?
You can love someone and still feel angry at them.
You can trust someone in some ways and still need boundaries in other ways.
You can feel ashamed of something you did without deciding that you are a terrible person.
You can feel disappointed in someone and still care about them.
You can feel angry at G-d [The Creator] and still want to be close to Him.
Adaptive trauma patterns can make this much harder.
______________________
What happens when a trauma response takes over?
Fight (which often shows up as narcissism) may try to push painful feelings outward through anger, blame, criticism, or control.
Flight (which is avoidance) may try to escape the feelings by staying busy, avoiding the conversation, or distracting yourself.
Freeze (which looks like inaction or shutdown) may try to shut the feelings down so you do not have to feel how painful or confusing they are.
Fawn (which is people-pleasing) may try to protect the relationship by pleasing the other person, giving up boundaries, or quickly trying to make them happy again.
These patterns develop because the nervous system is trying to protect you from feelings that once felt too hard to handle.
Which emotional skills make intimacy possible?
But healthy intimacy requires learning a different set of emotional skills.
Awareness helps you notice several feelings at once instead of letting one pattern take over.
Compassion helps you feel something painful without attacking yourself for feeling it.
Boundaries help you stay connected to someone without giving up what you need.
Humility helps you accept that two things can be true at the same time.
“I love you, and I am angry at you.”
“I care about you, and I need distance.”
“I did something wrong, and I am still a person who can grow.”
______________________________
This matters in relationships with people.
Can you be honest with the Creator too?
It also matters in a relationship with the Creator.
A person may need to learn how to say:
“I am angry at You, and I still want to be close to You.”
“I don’t understand why this happened, and I know there are things I do not understand.”
“I am having a hard time trusting You, and I still want to learn how to trust You.”
This is very different from forcing yourself to feel only the feelings you think you are supposed to have.
How does trust grow out of darkness?
Trust can grow as you become curious about the darkness you have experienced.
You begin noticing patterns.
What did this suffering show me about my fears?
What emotional skills did I need but not yet have?
What can I learn from what happened?
How can this experience help me develop more awareness, compassion, boundaries, humility, or trust?
Finding meaning does not mean pretending the suffering was good.
It means developing the inner strength to take something that created fear, shame, anger, or distance and slowly transform it into greater intimacy.
The darkness itself can become part of what teaches you how to have a deeper relationship with yourself, with other people, and with the Creator.
So what does intimacy really mean?
Intimacy does not mean always having one clear feeling.
It means learning how to stay connected while different feelings are happening inside you, and developing enough trust and inner strength to transform the darkness instead of only trying to escape it.
Emotionally healthy beliefs about the world of souls: Maimonides [Rambam] describes the World to Come as fully spiritual
Why is suffering apart of creation? The Infinite Creator wants creation to be full of revealed goodness
Emotional numbness stops awe from being felt: Emotional numbness can hide sadness
Why are the Jewish people a great source of blessing? https://www.facebook.com/share/p/1ET8pRvpsL/
Why is jesus embarrassed about the Catholic Church? https://www.facebook.com/share/p/1FJdBopvQr/
Every worldview has mystery, some mysteries are more reasonable: The biggest question in spirituality
Questions people ask
Can you love someone and still feel angry at them?
Yes. You can love someone and still feel angry at them. Intimacy means being able to hold complex feelings, not always having one clear feeling. Awareness helps you notice several feelings at once instead of letting one pattern take over, and humility helps you accept that two things can be true at the same time.
Why is it so hard to feel two things at once after trauma?
Adaptive trauma patterns can make it much harder. Fight may try to push the feelings outward through anger, blame, or control. Flight may try to escape them by staying busy. Freeze may try to shut them down. Fawn (which is people-pleasing) may try to please the other person and give up boundaries. These patterns develop to protect you.
Is it okay to be angry at G-d and still want to be close?
Yes. The same skill matters in a relationship with the Creator. A person may need to learn how to say, “I am angry at You, and I still want to be close to You.” That is very different from forcing yourself to feel only the feelings you think you are supposed to have.
How can painful experiences lead to deeper intimacy?
Trust can grow as you become curious about the darkness you have experienced. You begin noticing patterns and asking what the suffering showed you about your fears, and which emotional skills you needed but did not yet have. Finding meaning does not pretend the pain was good; it slowly transforms it into greater intimacy.
“Intimacy is learning how to stay connected while anger, shame, love, fear, and trust can all exist at once.”
Explore the NextSelf Blog. Start with this post explaining the world of souls. And my Youtube.
The blog lists all the difference patterns to study, understanding patterns is how one can develop 'Daas' [felt knowing].
Update: As awe, trust, and love deepen, they can allow greater openness and intimacy with the Creator. That intimacy can include sadness when you notice how much more of His goodness can be revealed.