People-pleasing can look humble, but it is often the opposite of humility

Humility means seeing yourself and other people honestly, then practicing compassionate boundaries that respect both your needs and theirs.

People-pleasing means making another person’s emotional comfort your responsibility instead of practicing honest communication and compassionate boundaries.

It often comes from wanting validation and approval.

A person gives more than they truly want to give, hoping to feel valued, loved, or safe.

People-pleasing can be like doing someone a favor without telling them it is a favor.

The other person thinks they are simply receiving kindness, while the people-pleaser may secretly hope for appreciation, closeness, or something in return.

That can lead to keeping score.

They may think, “After everything I have done for you,” or feel hurt that other people do not give back in the same way.

But the other person may not even know that a hidden exchange was taking place.

When kindness is driven by the need for validation, resentment often grows when that validation does not come. 🔴

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Pete Walker explains that most people are not only one trauma type.

They are usually strongest in two of the four adaptive trauma patterns: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn.

A person may be mainly fawn-freeze, fight-flight, or another combination. They may also use all four patterns in different situations.

The same behavior can sometimes be explained through more than one pattern because the patterns describe what the nervous system is trying to do, not only what the behavior looks like.

For example, overeating could be connected to:

1. Fight: overwhelming the nervous system with intense physical pleasure.

2. Flight: avoiding an uncomfortable feeling or responsibility.

3. Freeze: numbing feelings, becoming less present, or thinking, “What’s the point?” when you notice a desire.

4. Fawn: giving yourself comfort when you do not know how to ask for comfort or receive it through a healthy relationship.

This does not mean every case of overeating contains all four patterns.

It means we have to look beneath the behavior and ask what purpose it is serving in that moment. 🔴

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People with a strong fawn response may get especially fast relief from psychology education because they learn that giving themselves up is not humility.

That realization can also be painful.

Many people believed they were simply being a good person.

Realizing that much of their kindness came from fear, the need for validation, or the hope of earning love can bring shame.

But that shame is often a sign that old beliefs are being challenged, not proof that they are a bad person.

They begin to understand that they do not have to earn love by keeping everyone comfortable.

When they stop automatically pleasing people, they can begin saying honest noes, sharing real preferences, protecting their time, and choosing what they genuinely enjoy.

This can bring emotional pleasure earlier in healing because life begins to feel more like their own.

People who depend more strongly on other patterns may have more intense barriers before they feel the same relief.

Someone using fight may first have to face the shame hidden beneath anger and control.

Someone using flight may have to work through strong fear, anxiety, and the need to stay busy.

Someone using freeze may have to slowly come out of numbness, hopelessness, and disconnection.

A person with a fawn response also feels guilt and shame, especially when they begin setting boundaries.

But psychology education helps them understand that guilt does not always mean they are doing something wrong.

Sometimes it means they are finally stopping a survival pattern.

Each honest no, real preference, and compassionate boundary can bring more freedom, energy, emotional pleasure, and connection. 🔴

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"Extreme people-pleasing can become like idol worship because it trains a person to become like an idol: silent, willing to put up with anything, and unable to say no." — Tzvi Hirsch of Nadvorna [student of the Maggid of Mezeritch and teachings of the Besht, the Besht reignited chassidus teachings around 300 years ago and was the teacher of the Maggid].

Extreme misguided awe is also like idol worship: nextself.ai/spirituality/one-unhealthy-spiritual-pattern-misdirected-awe/ 

"People-pleasing is one of the hardest survival patterns to recognize because it often feels like being a good person."