Romantic physical touch before marriage can teach part of the nervous system

“I give closeness first, and then I hope this person chooses me.”

That matters because not every part of us thinks like an adult.

Some parts of the nervous system are more like a two-year-old. They learn from repeated experiences, comfort, fear, attachment, and what seems to keep another person close.

So even if your adult mind says:

“We are just dating and seeing if this works,”

another part of you can be learning:

“I need to give physical affection so this person stays.”

Then physical attachment can make it harder to clearly ask:

“Does this person understand me?”

“Do they respect me?”

“Do we share important values?”

“Are we actually good for each other?”

The Torah gives a different order:

Commitment first. Physical closeness second.

Then the nervous system can learn:

“I have already been chosen. I do not need to use physical closeness to earn commitment.”

Physical touch can then express commitment instead of becoming part of the attempt to get commitment.

This is one way I understand an idea found in a letter of the Lubavitcher Rebbe, using nervous-system language to explain the psychology behind it.

The laws of yichud also protect the mind from building sexual fantasies before commitment.

 What you repeatedly imagine can also shape what your nervous system learns to want and expect.

"You choose the kind of reality your nervous system has to practice living inside."

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Related guides:

Healthy spirituality for the nervous system: https://nextself.ai/spirituality/beliefs-are-not-only-an-idea/

One way to understand abusive thinking: https://nextself.ai/spirituality/people-dont-suddenly-lose-control/

Now all abuse is through narcissism: https://nextself.ai/spirituality/not-all-abusive-people-are-narcissists/

Jewish secret to transform suffering into blessing: https://www.facebook.com/share/p/1CwdNr212d/