Can you hide a desire from your own awareness?

Yes. Someone might deeply want admiration, love, or approval, but admitting that desire makes them feel weak, so they tell themselves they don't need anyone. The desire is still there, and this is one way toxic shame can stay hidden for years. The emotional skill is awareness: honestly noticing a desire instead of pretending it doesn't exist.

Why do I feel jealous of other people's success?

Jealousy can point to a deeper desire. Instead of recognizing “I feel jealous because I want something they have,” someone might think “That person isn't as great as everyone thinks.” Maybe you want to feel valued, loved, and connected but learned to seek those feelings through comparison. The emotional skill is curiosity: asking “Why does this person's success bother me?”

Does self-compassion mean acting on every desire?

No. Self-compassion means accepting that you have desires, not giving yourself permission to express them in harmful ways. Wanting love doesn't justify ignoring someone's boundaries, and wanting respect doesn't justify putting someone else down. The emotional skills here are self-compassion and boundaries: you can accept that a desire exists without believing you have to act on it.

Can you get rid of a selfish desire?

No. The goal is not to erase it, but to understand it deeply enough that it can become an expression of goodness. Wisdom begins with curiosity, understanding fully explores the pattern, and knowledge connects deeply to what you've understood. The emotional skills are curiosity, noticing patterns, and taking responsibility, so love and compassion can guide how it is expressed.

Why a Desire You Pretend Away Still Influences Your Choices

Comments Are Possible

You can pretend a desire doesn't exist, but that doesn't mean it stops influencing your choices.
People with strong narcissistic traits can develop a habit of trying to control their inner world the same way they control their public image.
If a desire, feeling, or mistake doesn't fit the image they want to have of themselves, they may convince themselves it doesn't exist.

Why would someone hide a desire from themselves?

For example, someone might deeply want admiration, love, or approval. But admitting that desire makes them feel weak, so they tell themselves they don't need anyone.
The desire is still there. They have simply learned to hide it from their own awareness.
This is one way toxic shame can stay hidden for years.

What happens when someone hides jealousy or a mistake?

Imagine someone who feels jealous of another person's success.
Instead of recognizing, "I feel jealous because I want something they have," they might think, "That person isn't as great as everyone thinks."
Now they can feel better about themselves without having to face their jealousy.

The same pattern can happen with mistakes. Instead of accepting responsibility, they may rewrite the story until they believe they did nothing wrong.
Over time, protecting their image can become more important than understanding themselves.
But denying a feeling doesn't make it disappear. It can continue influencing your choices even when you refuse to notice it.

When accepting your desires becomes another excuse

Sometimes, instead of denying a selfish desire, someone will justify acting on it.
They might say, "I'm human. I have needs."
And that's true. Being human means having desires, including desires that can become selfish.

But having a desire doesn't mean every way of satisfying it is healthy.
You can accept that a desire exists without believing you have to act on it.
For example, wanting love doesn't justify ignoring someone's boundaries. Wanting respect doesn't justify putting someone else down.

Self-compassion means accepting that you have desires. It doesn't mean giving yourself permission to express them in harmful ways, including using distractions to numb uncomfortable feelings.
The goal is to understand what your desires are really about, so you can learn to express them through deeper love, compassion, and responsibility.

How can selfish desires become healthy desires?

The Chernobyl Maggid, a teacher of Chassidus [Jewish mysticism, psychology + philosphy], taught that our thoughts can be understood through seven emotional qualities.
Each quality can be expressed in a healthy way or a selfish way.
For example, love can become permissiveness, when you allow harmful behavior instead of setting healthy boundaries. Appreciating beauty can become a desire to show off.

But the original emotional quality isn't bad. It is being expressed in a misguided way.
The goal is not to erase the desire, but to understand it deeply enough that it can become an expression of goodness.
Chabad Chassidus teaches about three parts of the mind: wisdom, understanding, and knowledge.

These help explain how transformation happens.

1. Wisdom begins with curiosity

Instead of judging yourself for feeling jealous, you become curious.
"Why does this person's success bother me?"
Curiosity allows you to notice a pattern without immediately trying to hide it.

2. Understanding means fully exploring the pattern

You begin asking why jealousy appears, what you want, what you fear losing, and why another person's success feels threatening.
You explore how the pattern developed and what beliefs keep it alive.
As your understanding grows, you can begin reaching the deeper desire behind the jealousy.

Maybe you want to feel valued, loved, and connected, but you've learned to seek those feelings through comparison.
The more deeply you understand the pattern, the more clearly you can recognize the desire that started it.

3. Knowledge means developing a deep connection to what you've understood

After carefully exploring the pattern, you can begin developing deeper knowledge of what your desire is really about.
You recognize that the desire to feel important is connected to something much deeper: the desire for intimacy.
Chassidus teaches that our deepest relationship is with the Creator, the Cause of our existence, who lacks no wisdom, compassion, or love.

Thinking deeply about how He gives existence to everything, including you, can help you develop deeper awe toward Him.
And as you recognize His goodness and the possibility of having a relationship with Him, deeper love can grow.
Deeper awe and love can make you want to accept more responsibility, because your choices become part of building a relationship that matters deeply to you.

Instead of needing to feel superior to someone, you can begin enjoying their success.
Instead of denying a mistake to protect your image, you can accept responsibility and repair the harm you've caused.
Instead of trying to control how someone feels about you, you can respect their freedom and build trust.

You are no longer measuring your value by how successfully you protect your image.
You begin finding deeper fulfillment in expressing goodness through your choices.
The selfish desire hasn't simply disappeared. You have learned to express its deeper purpose through love, compassion, and responsibility.

Self-compassion makes this possible

When shame controls your thinking, discovering an uncomfortable desire can feel like discovering something terrible about yourself.
But self-compassion allows you to recognize jealousy, fear, shame, or a desire for approval without believing these feelings make you a bad person.
You don't have to like every desire to accept that it exists. And accepting a desire doesn't mean you have to act on it.

You cannot transform a part of yourself that you keep pretending doesn't exist.
Real self-esteem grows when you can recognize uncomfortable truths about yourself without needing to rewrite your story.
Shame can make you avoid responsibility to protect your image. But deeper awe and love can help you accept responsibility because you value intimacy more than your image.

The goal is not to become someone who never feels selfish desires. It is to become someone who can recognize those desires, understand them, and transform how they are expressed.

_________________

“You cannot transform a selfish desire that you keep pretending doesn't exist.”

Explore the NextSelf Blog. Start with this post explaining the world of souls, and what does it mean to be light? And my Youtube. Content is published to this facebook first and a few days later, to the blog.

The blog lists all the difference patterns to study, understanding patterns is how one can develop 'Daas' [felt knowing].
Content does not provide medical services or professional counseling, and it is not a substitute for professional medical care.