“I give closeness first, and then I hope this person chooses me.”
That matters because not every part of us thinks like an adult.
Some parts of the nervous system are more like a two-year-old. They learn from repeated experiences, comfort, fear, attachment, and what seems to keep another person close.
Why Does Physical Closeness Confuse What You Really Want?
So even if your adult mind says:
“We are just dating and seeing if this works,”
another part of you can be learning:
“I need to give physical affection so this person stays.”
Then physical attachment can make it harder to clearly ask:
“Does this person understand me?”
“Do they respect me?”
“Do we share important values?”
“Are we actually good for each other?”
What Does the Torah Teach About Commitment and Closeness?
The Torah gives a different order:
Commitment first. Physical closeness second.
Then the nervous system can learn:
“I have already been chosen. I do not need to use physical closeness to earn commitment.”
Physical touch can then express commitment instead of becoming part of the attempt to get commitment.
This is one way I understand an idea found in a letter of the Lubavitcher Rebbe, using nervous-system language to explain the psychology behind it.
The laws of yichud also protect the mind from building sexual fantasies before commitment.
Why Does What You Imagine Also Shape Your Nervous System?
What you repeatedly imagine can also shape what your nervous system learns to want and expect.
"You choose the kind of reality your nervous system has to practice living inside."
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Related guides:
Healthy spirituality for the nervous system: Beliefs Aren’t Just Ideas: Your Nervous System Lives In Them
One way to understand abusive thinking: Why “I Lost Control” Is Usually Not the Full Truth
Now all abuse is through narcissism: Not All Abusive People Are Narcissists: Here’s Why
Jewish secret to transform suffering into blessing: The Jewish Secret to Transform Suffering into Blessing
Explore the NextSelf Blog. Start with this post explaining the world of souls. And my Youtube. Content is published to this facebook first and a few days later, to the blog.
The blog lists all the difference patterns to study, understanding patterns is how one can develop 'Daas' [felt knowing].
Update: As awe, trust, and love deepen, they can allow greater openness and intimacy with the Creator. That intimacy can include sadness when you notice how much more of His goodness can be revealed.